If life is nothing but single moments strung together, like twinkling christmas lights, called experiences, then I have had quite the life so far. Let me begin by telling you that when I first sat down and wrote my story, to be brutally honest, it was so heavy and depressing. Every other word felt like a complaint. Sure sounded that way. Each sad, addicted, depressed and repressed moment strung together with abuse, indifference and competition moments. Wow, who would ever write a story like that. Not this girl.
And so, I begin again. With the story of my life that I am proud to tell. Not in a quest for approval, or affirmation, praise or even a blue thumbs up. But because it just feels better to tell my story in terms of gifts, and gratitude and love and peace and ease. Here goes.
I transformed my life in 2022. When I say everything shifted, I mean everything. From my daily practices to my evening meditation, from my eating habits to my idea of what it means to be successful. And it turns out, I am doing very well, by my raised standards. Could things improve? Sure. Could I supercharge my momentum and really kick butt in the next half of my life? Absolutely! AND, and, I am so damn excited and enthusiastic about the possibilities that are coming to me, as I type this. Ideas never stop coming to me.
My experience, my beautiful, messy, magical moments, strung together:
Focus on all positive aspects of my life bc of the struggles
Born on a powerful Equinox of Rebirth
Raised in a system of beliefs that challenged me to remember what was my truth
Suppression of sensitive emotions allowed my artistic aspect to flourish
Role as caregiver at an extremely young age allowed me to see my strengths
Grasping for external validation gave me the gift of trusting my inner being
Well-meaning competitive paradigm encouraged my authentic work ethic
Day dreaming and envisioning a more fulfilling life for myself through solitude
Winning art awards since I was very young attracted a satisfying art career that begged the investigation of my own self worth
I turned my anger and frustration into an addiction of escapism that afforded me the freedom to use my internal GPS on direction and timing of abundance
Being denied multiple times for my BFA degree sparked the passion to master my craft and graduate with the BFA degree I desired
My open and sensitive heart allowed me to be in relationships that were not serving my highest and best self. They allowed me to feel the contrast of what I did not want
All of the choices and experiences in my life have synchronistically aligned
I am a powerful manifestor of calling my desires forward in love, work + play
Being blinded by my need for survival actually led to thriving and freedom
Denied people and jobs I thought I wanted at the time only to be shown later they were never meant for me
Asking for help when I was in the dark
Feeling great for learning how to say No
Experiencing the transition of an eternal soul liberated from human form
Full understanding of how I attract everything with my energy frequency
Deeply knowing that what is meant for me will always find a way
Sincere and abundant gratitude for every bump, every road block, every divine intervention and redirection
Shifting through and incorporating the wisdom of the ages to carve my own path
Developing an authentic and exciting level of worthiness, joy, peace and love
Everything, everything works out for me
I realized I had been doing all the self discovery work this whole time - that is to say, I’d been writing it in journals and in sketch pads for over 2 decades. All the things my mentor pulled through me, all the things I tried to escape from, all the things that I thought I had to be, all the ways I was betraying myself, ignoring myself, lying to myself, all the things I thought I wasn’t… they all came crashing down around me and it was glorious! Talk about a Phoenix rising from the ashes! Holy shit have I done some hard, lonely, painful, dark, very dark nights of the soul. I have been given some pretty amazing gifts. And I continue to receive them today.
And now, I want to scream from the mountain tops all the things. All the things I have always known to be true but literally didn’t know I was allowed to have, or that I belonged, or worthy of having, or being good enough, or smart enough or pretty enough, or even deserving of having. These are all the gifts I needed to open and unpack to see what was really going on with my inner landscape. It was time to match my inner and outer landscapes and come into greater alignment with all that is.
Turns out, I am worthy. I am deserving, And I am allowed. I am authentic. Even better, I feel worthy, and deserving and allowed and authentic. I am. Because I am an extension of Source Energy (god, universe, nature, whatever name you want to call it) and I belong to everything and nothing. I am healthy. I am whole. I am perfectly imperfect. I am you. You are me. We are one.
And that is my better feeling story. I love every single thing that has ever happened to me - how can I not when it has given me all I have ever asked for! xo