I drank to fill a hole. I drank to socially fit in. I drank when I was bored. I drank when I celebrated. I drank when I was angry. I drank when I was upset. I drank when on vacation. I drank at home. I drank at pubs and stayed in them sometimes for 12 hours at a time - drinking, playing darts, flirting, writing, drinking. I drank at weddings and funerals. I drank at concerts and backyard parties.
I started drinking when I was 14, or 15. Harmlessly out with “friends”, at the roller rink, or at someone’s house. I would love to say I drank out of societal pressure to do so, but it was normal, where I grew up, to drink alcohol in pretty much every situation. I remember there was a few older gentlemen (some would say bums) who would, for an extra 6 pack, buy underage kids a case of beer. If you grew up in the 80’s in rural America - this was normal.
I can recall that I loved drinking. I loved the way it made me feel free - as if up for anything. It’s like it gave me wings to fly and I no longer felt alone, afraid or separate. It was as if it helped me feel popular - and i craved attention so much - I loved it all. My senior year of high school, I had been elected Student Council President. I was also captain of the Varsity Football cheerleading squad. Mediocre grades, except in art. And I was on track to go to Art College. First morning of school, senior year, we - my high school classmates - met up on “the hill” to drink before school. Fun right?
When we reached school that morning, I was immediately pulled into the principal's office - being scolded for setting a bad example - and that I should be ashamed of myself. This isn’t a memory I think of often, but for the sake of this healing exercise, I wanted to go there. I had already felt body shame from developing before my peers, the attention I craved I wasn’t getting (at home) and felt guilty for asking for it and making some bad choices with friends and boys, I was now on probation from all the activities that made me feel bigger than my little life. At the time I ignored and denied the fact that I was in deep pain from not getting what I truly needed.
Drinking had always caused me problems. I drank the younger part of my life away - hoping it would fill the hole(s) I had in my emotional self love bucket. Never once did it support me in a healthy way. I no longer drink, nor do I blame the alcohol, and I see that what I was seeking - was outside myself. All of it. The approval, the acceptance, the love, the belonging, the joy, the confidence, the happiness, the worthiness. Addiction was and continues to be a great reflection and healing tool for me as my reframe will reflect.
Addiction, for me, was living on autopilot, in survival mode, in my conditioned state of who I thought I was supposed to be but could never achieve. Addiction was the go-to cure for feeling unloved, for escaping the harsh world that I felt I was never good enough to experience happy and joyful. I lived many years in this state, unconscious, in fear. And I am a spiritual being having this human experience, and it is all part of the plan of expansion and growth.
Day 5 - Addiction Rewrite - Reframe
To say I miss alcohol would be a lie. I do not miss anything about alcohol. The fake feel good high that is fleeting. The hard core headbanging headaches the day after. The internal blame/shame game that went on the whole next day - usually required me to go to the pub and drink until I didn’t feel that anymore - yuck. No thank you ever and ever and ever again.
My addiction to seeking validation, acceptance and approval was the real issue. I was taught to be better, to be more, to be perfect. Because if I could be perfect, everything would be amazing. And perfection is a lie. Shame is a lie. Although a real emotion, shame is a deep seated belief that I am bad. It is the lowest of all emotions, of all vibrational frequencies. And since I knew that place well, it was safe for me. It was where I preferred to live because It allowed me to avoid what was truly going on inside.
The day I quit drinking is as vivid in my mind today as the day it happened. And now, 16 years later, I can see, with eyes wide open that it was never a safe place for my soul. It was a safe place for my human to hide.
I now feel that alcohol wasn’t the real addiction. The real addiction was my need for external validation and approval - from everyone around me - from everyone except me. I now know that the only person’s approval and validation I require is my own. Not my parent’s, siblings, “friends”, or anyone outside me. I have grown into knowing that I am the only one on the planet who’s opinion of me matters. That takes guts. That takes courage. That requires my own guidance system to guide me on my path forward.
Through my personal journey of healing I have discovered that my path of addiction was necessary. I had and still have lessons to learn from it. I have been able to look my shame in the eye, sit with it, truly feel it and give myself what I so desperately needed when I was younger. Attention. Approval. Belonging. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Unconditional love. My authentic self, my higher self, the soul aspect of me never once judged me for my addiction. It has simply sat still, holding the light, witnessing my pain and allowed me to go through it as I have.
I am the champion of my soul. I am the phoenix rising from the ashes. I am a spiritual being, having this human experience. I am whole. I am worthy. I belong. I love and accept myself. I will never be perfect and I will never be done. I am an eternal energy that is simply here, experiencing life through this physical form. Today, I cultivate courage, laughter and connection in my present moment, conscious state of being. I am free to be me.
Shame comes in many ways to teach us just how incredibly worthy we are - simply by existing. Shame no longer controls my life, my relationships or how I show up. Shame and I will always be good friends, but for now, at least, I am taking the path less traveled. The one where shame is a memory. Join my workshop Oct 28-Nov 1 to get deeper insights about how shame is blocking you from fully, wholehearted living authentically. www.donnianastasia.com/5dayworkshop
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