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Day 4  The Shame of Divorce

Writer's picture: Donnia  AnastasiaDonnia Anastasia

Whew… this one’s gonna bruise. “I made a promise. I made a commitment!” These statements rang in my ears for years preceding my divorce. I had convinced myself that I could take it. I could take the gaslighting, the silent treatments, the rage over a seemingly simple misunderstanding. I told myself I made a commitment and that I would choose to only see the good and the beauty. Until I simply couldn’t any longer.


There were so many days and nights I would cry in silence at the mistake I had committed myself to. Each time, saying to myself, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” The pain of being abused is unlike anything I ever wish on another living being. The gut wrenching fear that gripped me when he lashed out at me was something I will never tolerate again. I didn’t feel safe anymore.


One day, head hung (in shame) I simply said, “I’m really unhappy.” and that was it. That was the phrase that led my 91/2 year marriage into the societal joke of divorce. I had never felt so helpless, so ashamed, so fearful of my future as I did the days that followed that statement. WTF was I going to do now? I actually was grateful my mom had passed and that I only had to break the news to my dad - but that was hard enough. 


The shame I felt for not being able to “work it out” has held me in a state of relationship freeze. If I couldn’t trust my own commitments, how the hell was I ever going to live a life of integrity? My own codependency patterns, negative self talk, self sabotage, low self worth flooded my nervous system and for months I wondered if I had only been able to be more (fill in the blank - resilient, stronger, loving, giving, tolerating, softer, accepting, less judgmental, less sensitive if only I had “tried” harder, maybe it all could have gone in a different direction. If only I had the tools I have now, maybe I should have been the one to save the marriage - and developed a deeper, more abundant life with him. This was my shame, my ego speaking, all the beliefs I had about my life, marriage, him - all coming to the surface.


I now know, almost 3 years past our divorce date, that there was no way I was ever going to heal my shame story with him. He had his own. When you are with someone who is incapable of seeing anything wrong with their behavior, it really is a lost cause. And so, instead of trudging along, like so many couples I know, my soul had a new plan. And that plan was to get really clear about the boundaries I needed, the love that I deserved and the trust that was required within me to move forward.


The shame of divorce comes from all angles. My family, my clients, my community. But none so strong as the one that comes from my own ego, thoughts and beliefs about what it actually means - for me - to be committed to someone. When I realized I had never committed myself to me - that was when the shame finally lifted. My marriage was a brilliant mirror for me to see what I had accepted as good enough for way too long.




Day 4 rewrite - My Divorce Victory


When you are used to being abused in small ways your whole life - by allowing yourself to accept that behavior - it is absolutely our subconscious running the show. It’s safer and comfortable to live in the dark than it is to step out into your own light.


I was 42 years old when I got married and had just moved from the West Coast back to the land of my childhood. I had just gotten sober and was rebuilding my life - when WHAM! I was walking down the aisle, planning a life with someone when, if truth be told, I knew nothing about. 


There were many red flags, which I subconsciously chose to ignore out of the conditioned thoughts of, “at least you aren’t alone” and “it’ll get better”. But when it didn’t get better, when I looked around and felt, deeply felt in my body what I craved - it wasn’t marriage - it was a sense of belonging, a sense of being WITH someone in this beautiful messy world together.


My lessons from my 9 ½ year marriage are endless - as that soul contract was my best teacher. The biggest gift of transformation it gave me - was that I was in charge of my own happiness - me. I had learned that we “need” people to complete us - which is total bullshit. Yes,people need people, but not in the way I learned it.


We need ourselves first. We live with ourselves in the solitary moments - where there is no one to count on but yourself. I had to reconnect to the part of my I started becoming, once getting sober, but had forgotten about because “Im married - it’s all going to be amazing from here on out”. Haha


My Divorce Victory came when I has to set boundaries for my new life as I was transitioning back to being a single woman. Those boundaries were a bright neon sign - because they were rejected and created resentfulness and more anger from my ex. And I held firm. If I was going to heal, if I was going to make my life my own - this was where I had to start. People show you their true colors when you tell them about your personal boundaries - and beware those who take offense to your boundaries - it was the final red flag that cued me in, to the fact that divorce was not only the best choice - that it was my soul choice. Our contract was up. And I finally felt safe.


Divorce taught me many things - that sometimes, the person in front of you, is there for a short season, so let go of attachment, and that if I am to be happy - it is up to me - regardless of who is in or not in my life. That I am worthy of love. I am loveable. I am deserving of tenderness and acceptance and fun and joy and incredible intimacy. I know I am worthy - because, I exist.



Shame comes in many ways to teach us just how incredibly worthy we are - simply by existing. Shame no longer controls my life, my relationships or how I show up. Shame and I will always be good friends, but for now, at least, I am taking the path less traveled. The one where shame is a memory. Join my workshop Oct 28-Nov 1 to get deeper insights about how shame is blocking you from fully, wholehearted living authentically. www.donnianastasia.com/5dayworkshop


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DISCLAIMER: As with all health related issues, by law, I cannot claim any of the information presented as sole medical treatment for any condition. The innate intelligence of your body knows the answer and as such must be discussed with your preferred medical professional assisting you on your path of health and healing. I ask you to do your due diligence and be responsible for your own health. My purpose is to share holistic healing and transformation for educational purposes only. As the Buddha said, no matter who said it, even if I have said it, disregard if it does not resonate with your own soul. 

©2025 DONNIA ANASTASIA, HLC, AHC, ABS, LMP, EOLD, BFA 

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© 2025 DONNIA ANASTASIA

THE YEAR OF MAKE BELIEVE

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