Day 1. Coming out of the Shame Closet
I woke up laughing. I have been training myself to pay very close attention to the first thought I have when I wake up as it most often holds a gem, a nugget of my truth within it. This particular day I woke up with the thought - you attract it all for the purpose of being seen and heard. My laughter was about an experience I had the night before. My laughter was because I had just uncovered another layer of my lack of trust for myself.
A situation presented itself to me in clear view (after about 8 months) that I still do not trust myself. That’s not the funny part. The funny part is the Divine’s sense of humor. If I attract what is in my life, then I must be on the frequency of it in order for it to have found me. And so, it will bring me experiences, situations, people who teach me what I need to learn in order to evolve.
It’s kinda messed up, by human thinking. I “want” to trust myself (the true definition of want is “lacking”). I want people in my life I can trust. And so, I am receiving experiences of people, situations, where my trust is being tested, over and over and over again - UNTIL I learn to fully, wholeheartedly and bravely trust myself. Trust my choices and decisions and my next steps forward. Trust that little niggle when it whispers, “Are you sure?” or “This feels off.”
Maybe one day, I will fully, whole heartedly trust myself again. I did when I was a child. I trusted myself to do all sorts of things. To be friends with all sorts of people. To try new things and solve the puzzles presented me with grace and the determination of a bulldog with a new toy. I trusted myself as a child to imagine the impossible, to lift my body off the ground into a cartwheel and land on my feet.
Maybe one day I will fully, whole heartedly trust myself again, as my inner child is currently having trust issues. And she requires time. She has been betrayed so many times that has been very difficult for her to trust me. I have not always done what I said I would do. I have not always made the best choices. And yet, here I am.
The worst part about shame and betraying yourself, is that it creates a deep sense of unworthiness. Which then turns into low self esteem and needing to please everyone, all the time. And this feeling of never being enough can, as in my case, lead you down paths of self-destruction and isolation. Those are not the paths I choose to walk down any longer.
And that is why I was laughing - because I get to do this. I get to choose which path I want to take - in a conscious and loving and lighthearted way. I am remembering how to trust myself, my abilities, my choices, as I did when I flipped end over end doing cartwheels as the summer sun was setting, laughing at myself and having fun.
DAY 1 - REWRITE - REFRAME
These stories will, at certain times in our lives, require a reframe or a rewrite - for us to see the situation differently that what it was first presented to us as. This is where the transformation happens, the pattern interrupt and the new foundation will be laid. A new state of being will work it’s way into your consciousness and you will be ready to implement, practice and embody a new feeling state. One without the energetic ties to the past and any worry about the future.
When it comes to this reflection of laughing because I see now the universe has my back and is handing me the people, places and experiences I need to grow into my new state of being, I welcome them with open arms and feel this story, is a positive reframe already.
THIS is an evolutionary milestone for me - I can only attribute my ability to wake up laughing in the face of shame, to my devotion to my higher self, to my authentic dream of my life. Too long have I been at the mercy of thoughts and stories that 1/ were never mine and 2. That never resonated and felt true for me. I also attribute my growth and awareness to an energy, a guiding force that is always benevolent, always supportive, always loving, always on my side - even when I do make mistakes. It’s the love that never belittles, judges, causes doubt and fear to run the show.
I run the show now, guided by the divine intelligence of consciousness. And the show must go on. Shame is invited, and will always have a place at my table, because it has been one of the biggest teachers of my life.
Gratitude and light.
Namaste.
Shame comes in many ways to teach us just how incredibly worthy we are - simply by existing. Shame no longer controls my life, my relationships or how I show up. Shame and I will always be good friends, but for now, at least, I am taking the path less traveled. The one where shame is a memory. Join my workshop Oct 28-Nov 1 to get deeper insights about how shame is blocking you from fully, wholehearted living authentically. www.donnianastasia.com/5dayworkshop
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