N a m a s t é

From the tender and innocent age of 6, I was given the daunting role of caregiver in my family. A role I did not ask for but one that I took seriously and fought hard to perfect. This created the perfectionist, the martyr and the competitor. Eventually it would create the saboteur, the award winning worrier and the sarcastic socially awkward adult. It also stole my childhood.

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Raised with strict religious dogma that I never quite understood or agreed with fostered the belief that something was wrong with me, that I was obviously not like the others. But I strived to be just like the others, better even. I vowed to search for what did make sense to me, the whole point of it all.

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This turned me into a star student, student council president, captain of the cheerleading team and a popular, rebellious, angry teenager. Which, in turn, created an alcoholic by the time I was 21 (the legal drinking age).

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In art school I received a hard won BFA in Graphic Design and upon graduation trekked 3,000 miles to a city I had never been to - Seattle - to start my life. Traveling to other states to live for short periods of time, I was still searching for what my purpose was. In Santa Fe, I found Ayurveda and Yoga in 1998 and have been in love ever since. I've been repeating my sankalpa, 'SAT NAM' for over 20 years. Took me long enough.

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Working in the career I went to university for in a city that offered so much anonymity, I was in heaven. Or so I thought at the time. To be clear, I also had no idea of any of the above programming and conditioning - they have been unearthed in the last few decades. My personality was also in an addicted lifestyle - I was a work-a-holic, perfectionist. My alcohol use was daily - which at the time, i thought was "normal".

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Most of my relationships were abusive in some form or other. I allowed them to be because I didn't know any better, blamed my external circumstances (and people) and I didn't recognize it for abuse/trauma. Some physical, some verbal, all mental + self esteem destroying - all were great teachers on my journey. My own (unknown at the time) codependency created self sabotage, low self esteem, self betrayal, a control freak, feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. My addictions kept in a loop of escaping the painful reality that I must be unloved - and unlovable. It wasn't until later that I came to understand these were ways my subconscious was able to keep me "safe from harm". I believed all the stories I had told myself about myself, my life, my identity. Turns out, they were all lies. All of them created to keep me safe. But it kept me in survival and created a dysregulated nervous system - into which the cortisol drip have yet to stop permeating my body.

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By age 36 my life revolved around alcohol. Until it didn't. Until I was witness to a tragic death of a complete stranger. I haven't had a drop in 14 years.

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I learned the healing Art of Massage Therapy and 16 years later it still is the best thing I have ever done for myself. But it left me still searching. I studied Ayurveda with like minded students from around the world - finally - something that made perfect sense to me! I thought I had found the holy grail in my search.

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Sobriety makes your life change. People, places, events that once filled my time became toxic to be around. And so, I moved back home, joyfully, ready to start the next chapter. Maybe what I was searching for was home all along.

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In my early 40s, I got married for the first time. We started a business together, renovated an old church, built an off-grid home, got a dog, and then got divorced after 9 1/2 years. 
 

When my mother was diagnosed with a gioblastoma in her brain and given 8 weeks to live, I quit everything and stayed with her - unconsciously playing the ultimate care giver role once again. This time, it was my choice. It was a beautiful, severely painful, humbling and deeply spiritual experience that brought everything back to the surface that alcohol had buried so many years ago. One simple conversation with her changed my life forever and it is the foundation on which I believe with my entire being that we create our health or our dis-ease. Either my ignorance, prajanapardha (crimes against the intellect) or by simple avoidance and not listening.

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In the profound, transformational healing work surrounding the end of my marriage, I finally found what I had been looking for. My search, my purpose has finally been found. It's been with me the whole time and I never knew it. 

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Why am I telling you all this?

 

Because the programs and services I offer, include so many parts of my life experience, my own healing, my own revelations, sprinkled throughout - every breath, every action, every mantra, every asana, every humbling self reflective moment - have become the medicine in which I now offer to the world. My life is here to help serve you in your grand adventure, in your own healing, growth and transformation. 

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My purpose on planet Earth is to guide you, to illustrate and teach you that when you raise your consciousness, when you become aware - everything shifts and absolutely incredible things happen. You get to live the life the Creator intended.

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I hope that some of what I have shared resonates. My intention is to inspire you, to bring awareness to your purpose, and to let you know that you are not alone. If any of what I have said here motivates you to reach out, fantastic! If anything sparks a little, "oh yeah, I get that", and you feel I could support you, let's connect.

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